Why we choose lovers that make us suffer?

How was your Childhood?

Why we choose lovers that make us suffer? Let’s look at how our choices of lovers is related to our childhood experiences. How emotional pain is related to childhood. What do you remember about your childhood?. What comes to your mind when you think of your mum or dad?. Do you come from a family that was considered “unusual? even though you couldn’t recognize the tendencies.  How can you tell you were born in a dysfunctional family in which your emotional needs were not met? The struggle to understand how to relate feelings of pain and pleasure is real in your situation. Perhaps your parents were fighting each other and had their own emotional wounding. They had their own compulsive tendencies and unhealthy practices. They didn’t give you time, attention, love and affection that you deserved.

Emotional needs

Parents or caretakers never expressed emotional needs for example, love, kindness, care etc. Problems were also never discussed, they were forbidden and kept as secrets. The implication is further compounded by the fact that your family denied the reality of the dysfunctional patterns. They found their lifestyle normal yet it was not. For children, this impaired development of basic tools for living and relating with people and situation.

Gut feelings 

Individuals born in such a family become incapable of discerning when an individual or an event is not good for them. Situations and people that others naturally avoid as unsafe or uncomfortable do not deter them. This is because such an individual is not able to evaluate them realistically. They do not trust their feelings and do not use them to guide themselves. Instead they are attracted to the risks and challenges that others from healthier and more balanced upbringing would logically avoid. When our infancy familiarities were mainly painful, we become unconsciously obliged to recreate similar experiences. As a result, they try to gain control over them throughout our lives.

How was your nurturing?

More information to understand why we choose lovers that make us suffer. As a child did your receive parental nurturing? People who didn’t receive these needs, try to fill them indirectly by being a caregiver to spouses who are needy. Additionally, if our parents were not emotionally responsive, we often become involved with a similar person or a series of them. This is an attempt to win the old struggle to be loved, wanted and found worthy. Consequently, a woman is attracted to men who appear to be needy. They identify with their pain and seek to try to relieve it in order to ameliorate their own pain. Indeed, women will respond with conviction that this man needs their help in order to improve his life. This experience makes sense if we understand that it is our own wish to be loved that is at the root of that attraction.

Emotionally unavailable spouses

We longed for parents who were warm, loving and understanding but they were not. Subsequently, as an adult you respond to the familiar emotionally unavailable spouses whom you try to change through your love. You pour your energies into changing the other person’s behaviour or feelings towards you. You do this through desperate manipulations rather than accepting the person for him/her is. Someone will try to love a person and be determined to make the other spouse love them back. This is a reflection of our childhood. Whatever was wrong in the past is what we try to make turn out right in the present. Again, we keep getting attracted to spouses who replicate for us the struggle we endured with our parents. When we tried to be good enough to win their love and approval.

Part 2 of Article on Self Esteem to be continued

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