4 Tips To Get your Ex back for good

4 Tips to Get Your Ex Back for Good — But First, Do You Really Want Them Back?

Do you really want your ex back? It’s a powerful question — and the one most people skip in the rush of heartbreak.

In the days or weeks after a breakup, you may find yourself overwhelmed with emotions: regret, longing, confusion, guilt, even obsession. You might replay every conversation, stalk their social media, or plan what you’ll say if they call. It’s natural to miss someone who was once a big part of your world. But missing someone doesn’t always mean you should be with them.

Before trying to “win back” your ex, pause and ask yourself:

• Are you missing the person, or the routine?

• Are you craving love — or avoiding loneliness?

• Did the relationship truly fulfill you — or were you just afraid to let go?

Clarity comes before strategy. If you’re still convinced that getting your ex back is what’s best for your mental, emotional, and relational growth, here are 4 powerful tips to help you do it — consciously and maturely.

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Tip 1: Use the No Contact Rule — and Actually Respect It

The No Contact Rule is the foundation of any serious attempt to get your ex back. No texts, calls, “liking” their posts. No sliding into their DMs.

Why? Because absence creates space — and space creates clarity.

Psychologists explain that emotional distance after a breakup gives both people time to reflect without emotional chaos clouding judgment. You need time to:

• Heal

• Rebuild self-worth

• Break the dependency loop

• Let your ex experience life without you

Contrary to popular belief, the No Contact Rule isn’t about manipulating your ex into missing you — it’s about regaining your own power. When done right, it can reset the emotional balance between you.

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Tip 2: Become the Best Version of Yourself — Not for Them, But for You

Many people want their ex back so badly that they try to “fix” themselves just to impress them. But that kind of motivation burns out quickly.

Instead, ask what:

• Habits hurt the relationship?

• Personal wounds was I bringing into it?

• Do I truly want to improve about myself?

This could mean:

• Starting therapy or coaching

• Rebuilding social connections

• Getting physically active

• Learning emotional regulation

Your ex might notice your transformation — but more importantly, you will. That confidence and wholeness is magnetic — whether they come back or not.

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Tip 3: Understand Why the Breakup Happened — and Take Responsibility

Getting back together without addressing the root cause is just repeating a cycle. The second time only works if it’s better — not just more romantic.

Reflect honestly:

• Were you controlling? Too passive? Emotionally distant?

• Did both of you struggle with communication?

• Were you actually compatible, or just infatuated?

Consider journaling, seeking feedback from a therapist, or having tough conversations with trusted friends. If the breakup was due to one-time circumstances (like distance or timing), there might be a healthy path back. But if it was due to emotional neglect or repeated betrayal, it’s wiser to walk away.

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Tip 4: Reconnect Without Pressure or Desperation

Once you’ve completed no contact (30–60 days), and you’ve done the work on yourself, you can consider re-initiating contact — but gently.

Send a simple message, without expectations:

“Hey, I’ve been reflecting a lot and just wanted to say I appreciate the time we shared. I hope you’re doing well.”

From there, let the conversation flow naturally. Don’t jump into old habits, beg, pressure. Your ex needs to see a new energy in you — one that’s calm, grounded, and emotionally self-sufficient.

If they’re interested in reconnecting, they’ll respond. If not, take pride in knowing you respected yourself enough not to chase love that doesn’t want to be caught.

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Final Thought: Getting Them Back Is Not the Goal — Getting Yourself Back Is

Sometimes, in trying to get our ex back, what we really find is ourselves. The version of us that we lost in the process of over-giving, settling, or shrinking.

So yes, you can get your ex back — but make sure you’re not losing yourself again in the process.

Control is toxic!

First of all, you don’t get a ’stubborn’ ex back. Its as simple as that. Why do you desire to have this specific person who doesn’t want you?. It is difficult enough to control yourself, let alone others and fundamentally, control is toxic. The first tip to get your ex back for good is to go with the flow.

Although never forgo honest, vulnerable and respectful communication. In addition, remember what made you break up. Time may have moved and you may feel now is the time to try to get back your ex. However you need to think this through before you embark on this “dicey” move. Above all, have realistic expectations about your ex, be ready for possibilities that they may have moved on, met someone else or even got married. If you do decide to get them back, you need to respect them at whatever position you find them in their life.

Here is some food for thought!

Many spend their lives looking for love in others, but do not realise that the love we experience from others, is a merely a reflection of the love we have for ourselves. Moving to a different country opens the possibility of meeting other people, nevertheless you are still you in a different location. If we do not love ourselves. We never really believe the love expressed by others for us is genuine or meaningful. As deep down, we don’t think we are worth or deserve love. This is not true, you need to understand that you are worthy of love just as you are, believe it is possible.

Betraying ourselves

Past experiences of rejection, hurt and abandonment may have contributed to this feeling of inadequacy. Childhood experiences in which we were not loved by our parent’s/care givers as we are. Parents who were emotionally unavailable and whom we had to betray ourselves to receive their love may contribute to feelings of worthlessness.

The Right Person

More tips to get your ex back. Stop looking for and trying to control “the right person”, because the right person is only a reflection you. If we think about it, what we recognize love and dislike in them, are some of the things we love and dislike about ourselves. Consequently, we also struggle to accept them for who they are because we also struggle to accept some things about ourselves. Psychologists use the expressions, transference and projection when talking about sub-conscious processes.

So instead of looking for the right person, become more of the right person yourself that is how you find love. How can you be able to do that? Radiate the love you seek in others. Self-love is essential, love you as you are flaws and all, God loves you and will always love you.

Control you

Next, what you can do about your ex? first is to control yourself. Love yourself. Specifically, focus on your self-esteem, similarly, build it by being more compassionate, kind and generous. Be more in touch with your own feelings, and the feelings of others. How do you feel about your ex?. What specific issues contributed to the break up? How do you feel about these things? Reflect!. Practice empathy, playfulness and joy and you will be happy, and find love…and maybe even your ex again….

Can you be in love with two people?

The usual answer to this question is that most people, when they are truly in ‘Consummate Love’ with someone else, will not look at another person, as their focus will only be on the one they are with now. Therefore if they fall in love with another person, they were not truly in love with the first person they met, or they would not have wanted to look elsewhere for someone else.. and fall in love with them..Simple..or is it?

According to Sternberg, there are seven different kinds of love

1. Consummate – All consuming.
2. Infatuated – High on passion only.
3. Fatuous – High on passion and commitment.
4. Empty – High on commitment only.
5. Compassionate – High on intimacy and commitment.
6. Romantic – High on intimacy and passion.
7. Liking & friendship – High on intimacy only.

So it depends on the quality of the love basically..As it is possible to be “in love” (a different kind of love) with 7 different people