Why We Choose Lovers Who Make Us Suffer – Can You Relate?
Have you ever looked back at someone you loved and wondered, “Why did I hold on for so long?”.
Or maybe you’re still in the pattern, drawn to people who feel like home, even when that home is chaotic, cold, or conditional. If you’ve loved someone who made you suffer — emotionally, mentally, or even spiritually, you’re not weak or broken. You’re human.
But to stop the cycle, you have to understand why we sometimes choose pain over peace.
Familiar Pain Often Feels Like Love
Many of us were introduced to love in childhood not through safety, but through discomfort and inconsistency. If the people who were supposed to love us also ignored us, controlled us, judged us, or emotionally neglected us, we grew up equating love with suffering.
Ah Yes!
So when a partner comes along and leaves us guessing, makes us feel unworthy, or pulls us in with charm and pushes us away with distance — part of us says, “Ah yes, this is love.”
It’s not conscious. But our nervous system registers familiarity — and in trauma, familiarity often masquerades as connection. We choose what feels known, not necessarily what feels safe.
The Brain Craves Resolution — Not Peace
Psychologically, humans seek completion. If your father was emotionally distant or your mother made you feel unlovable, your adult self may unknowingly pursue people who treat you the same way — just to finally “win” the love you were denied.
You’re not falling in love.
You’re falling into a loop — trying to rewrite an old story with a new character. But no partner can undo what was never your fault to begin with.
The Trauma Bond Trap
In toxic dynamics, especially when love is laced with highs and lows, trauma bonds can form. These bonds create a cycle of affection, rejection, and reconciliation that makes you emotionally addicted to the person who is hurting you.
Clinginess!
You cling harder not because they’re right for you, but because you’ve learned to equate intensity with intimacy.
But love isn’t supposed to feel like survival.
Repetition Until Awareness
Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
This is why some of us date the same type of person in different bodies — over and over again.
You’re not cursed. You’re repeating a pattern that was wired into your emotional blueprint. But here’s the good news: you can rewire it.
So, Why Do We Choose Suffering?
We choose suffering when we:
-
Confuse chaos for passion
-
Mistake breadcrumbs for affection
-
Fear being alone more than being unloved
-
Carry unhealed childhood wounds
-
Believe we must earn love through endurance
But none of those reasons are rooted in truth — they are rooted in pain.
Can You Relate?
If this resonates, you’re not alone. And you don’t need to feel ashamed. Many strong, intelligent, compassionate people have walked the same path. The first step is awareness. The next step is healing. And from there, you begin to choose differently — not out of fear, but out of self-worth.
Because love is not supposed to break you down to build you up.
Real love is steady. Safe. Soft.
It doesn’t ask you to suffer — it invites you to rest.
Are you tired of repeating painful relationship patterns?
Visit MyOnlineRelationshipTherapy.com for healing support, trauma-informed guidance, and emotional clarity tools to help you break the cycle and choose love that feels good and safe.
How was your Childhood?
Why we choose lovers that make us suffer? Let’s look at how our choices of lovers is related to our childhood experiences. How emotional pain is related to childhood. What do you remember about your childhood?. What comes to your mind when you think of your mum or dad?. Do you come from a family that was considered “unusual? even though you couldn’t recognize the tendencies.
How can you tell you were born in a dysfunctional family in which your emotional needs were not met? The struggle to understand how to relate feelings of pain and pleasure is real in your situation. Perhaps your parents were fighting each other and had their own emotional wounding. They had their own compulsive tendencies and unhealthy practices. They didn’t give you time, attention, love and affection that you deserved.
Emotional needs
Parents or caretakers never expressed emotional needs for example, love, kindness, care etc. Problems were also never discussed, they were forbidden and kept as secrets. The implication is further compounded by the fact that your family denied the reality of the dysfunctional patterns. They found their lifestyle normal yet it was not. For children, this impaired development of basic tools for living and relating with people and situation.
Gut feelings
Individuals born in such a family become incapable of discerning when an individual or an event is not good for them. Situations and people that others naturally avoid as unsafe or uncomfortable do not deter them. This is because such an individual is not able to evaluate them realistically. They do not trust their feelings and do not use them to guide themselves. Instead they are attracted to the risks and challenges that others from healthier and more balanced upbringing would logically avoid. When our infancy familiarities were mainly painful, we become unconsciously obliged to recreate similar experiences. As a result, they try to gain control over them throughout our lives.
How was your nurturing?
More information to understand why we choose lovers that make us suffer. As a child did your receive parental nurturing? People who didn’t receive these needs, try to fill them indirectly by being a caregiver to spouses who are needy. Additionally, if our parents were not emotionally responsive, we often become involved with a similar person or a series of them. This is an attempt to win the old struggle to be loved, wanted and found worthy.
Consequently, a woman is attracted to men who appear to be needy. They identify with their pain and seek to try to relieve it in order to ameliorate their own pain. Indeed, women will respond with conviction that this man needs their help in order to improve his life. This experience makes sense if we understand that it is our own wish to be loved that is at the root of that attraction.
Emotionally unavailable spouses
We longed for parents who were warm, loving and understanding but they were not. Subsequently, as an adult you respond to the familiar emotionally unavailable spouses whom you try to change through your love. You pour your energies into changing the other person’s behaviour or feelings towards you. You do this through desperate manipulations rather than accepting the person for him/her is.
Someone will try to love a person and be determined to make the other spouse love them back. This is a reflection of our childhood. Whatever was wrong in the past is what we try to make turn out right in the present. Again, we keep getting attracted to spouses who replicate for us the struggle we endured with our parents. When we tried to be good enough to win their love and approval.
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