6 toxic signs you may have grown up in a dysfunctional family

6 toxic signs you may have grown up in a dysfunctional Family

For a long time in my teenage I never used to understand why my parents never wanted me to share information about our family to anyone. As a result, talking to friends, neighbours and relatives was forbidden. Mum would warn me on several occasions not to talk to “strangers”, as she referred with a stern voice. However, this still didn’t stop me as I shared with my close friends about the family secret “Dad had another wife”. Besides, it sounded strange at the time despite the fact that I used to see my step sisters visit home. My father kept his wife at a different location.

At thirties you start understanding yourself

Now in my thirties, I have realized the meaning of all these past experiences. Additionally, secrets were not supposed to be talked about, because it was a home far from perfect despite public appearances. My father used to be abusive towards my mother. My mother, ashamed of having allowed this to happen to her for years. Furthermore, I do now realize her subtle emotional struggles to accept the reality of her life and marriage, the other wife and my dad’s mental state.

I understand now why she would tell us all this deep stuff yet we were children and could not relate or even understand. She only trusted us although sometimes she blamed us for everything happening to her.

Awakening

Afterward, I completed my studies in psychology last year. During that period all that I needed to figure out about my family and my issues came to light. Over the years, I have also had similar experiences happen in my own life, dysfunctional relationships similar to my parent’s marriage. As humans what we see and experience in childhood is soaked absorbed in like a wet sponge consequently, we assume is normal, self worth is formed and believes. 6 toxic signs you may have grown up in a dysfunctional family

I was born in a dysfunctional family

Can you tell if you are in an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship?

Some subtle signs include:

Abuse

My father would physical, emotionally, verbally abuse and neglect my mother.  On the other hand, my mother could not understand the effects of this psychologically torture. She constantly projected blame onto my father and even on us. She was unhappy.

Perfectionism

Daddy expected perfect behaviour from my mother and us, this is apparent even in a Christian family. It involves living in a relationship with high expectations, demands and high standards. Always making the other spouse feel they are not good enough or worthy of love and acceptance. One spouse is therefore critical of the other and judgmental, consistent fault finding.

Silence

Rules are set such as “no talking outside these walls”. Specifically, instructions such as “Do not share family secrets with anyone. Do not ask anyone else for help if you are having a problem. Keep it in the family”

Repression

Emotional repression also called the death sentence of a relationship/marriage.

Anger, sadness, joy and pain that should be expressed in the relationship, nevertheless, they are buried till one day they explode. My mother used to be bitter over the daily arguments and bickering. The abuse was taking a toll on her emotionally and mentally too.

Manipulation

Mummy felt controlled by my father, what she did at home was monitored and he controlled activities away from home.

How this dysfunctional affects children

Many children from dysfunctional relationships and families are thrust into adulthood feeling empty and incomplete. They are afraid and unable to trust because their needs were not met. As adults they do not feel secure in themselves, seeking some type of security other than themselves. Particularly, people who are always trying to fill up the empty space inside. It’s this constant quest to have needs met that leads people to create or adapt compulsive or addictive behavior patterns. Furthermore, it contributes to making poor choices for marriage partners and continue the cycle of dysfunction. People place unrealistic and impossible demands upon their spouse.

All things considered, now at 37, I have worked to make my story turn out different, I am not in an abusive relationship although I am still seeking happiness from the inside.